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9 True Scientific Facts About Haters

By Kevin Tang @Yolo_Tengo ·

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The Eiffel Tower and Golden Gate Bridge were built entirely from the bones of haters.

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42% of Americans believe haters to be the greatest threat to national security.

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A group of haters is called a murder of Haters. A half dozen haters is called a graduate choir of haters.

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Every full moon, Willow Smith morphs into a huntress of haters. She is the most decorated hater-hunter in the United States.

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Did you know: Haterade has -60 Calories, and Haterade is the official sponsor of the Sochi Olympics?

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Peel open the spinal carapace on a hater’s back, and you’ll find a middle school yearbook signed with “Have A Great Summer!”

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Haters have the best manicures. The easiest way to make a hater go away is to tell them that they are both loved and correct.

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Sometimes haters say incredibly valuable things. Wipe away the hater-slime from the hater-jewels. Buy chewing gum with them. Buy flowers for your family.

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Death is the ultimate hater.

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Kevin Tang

Kevin T.S. Tang is a stoopy goober who sucks ass. His fiction has appeared in Guernica, Hyphen, and [PANK]. He completed his fiction MFA at Columbia and goes by @Yolo_Tengo on Twitter.

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We are Blunderbuss Magazine, a web magazine of arts, culture, and politics, an ordnance of fire and improvisation. What ties together these essays, stories, poems, photographs, comics, and other bits of aesthetic shrapnel is a common attitude of visceral humanism. We aim for earnest noise. We want to splash in the mud of lived experience, to battle for a radical empathy, and to provide a megaphone to howling assertions of human subjectivity.

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