As devotees know, Rush Hour 3 is non-canon. Blunderbuss makes its first foray into fan fiction.
New York City. The Big Apple. A melting pot of cultures, of different people from different parts of the world, like Australia or Russia. Well the city that never sleeps, even though the people that live in the city do sleep and talk a lot about how much sleep they did or didn’t get, was about to get a little more culture melted into its pot. A small but extremely powerful Asian man stepped off the plane at La Guardia airport.
“Ahh, New York City,” he said. “The Big Apple. A melting pot of cultures.”
“What are you talking about, Lee?” said his traveling companion. “I never understand your Chinese idioms.”
They both laughed. Detective Carter from the LAPD and Chief Inspector Lee from the Hong Kong Police Force, that is. An unlikely duo, because Detective Carter was black and Chief Inspector Lee was Chinese. But together they proved to be quite a team. A melting pot of cultures, if you will.
“Let’s go to the Knicks game.”
“Hold on, Carter. I want to stop by the NYPD station first.”
“Man, you are always thinking about work. Police work.”
The NYPD station was really busy. Two police officers led a guy in handcuffs past Lee and Carter. The guy in handcuffs was yelling and going crazy. There was also a bench in the room where another guy was handcuffed to the bench. He was also yelling and going crazy. A policeman behind the front desk looked up from a bunch of paperwork he was doing at the man yelling and going crazy, and shook his head which caused him to spill coffee on his tie. He muttered to himself quietly, “Damn… the things I put up with…”
All of a sudden loud yelling came from inside a room in the back. “You two-bit good for nothing shit for brains detectives get out of my office and don’t come back until you find me a lead on the case!” Two detectives ran out of the room. You could tell they were detectives because they wore suits while the policemen in the station wore uniforms. One of them dropped a small notepad. Lee picked it up.
“Could be important,” he said.
“Get in here you two.” It was the Police Captain. He had a uniform on, which he had to wear after he was promoted from detective to captain. The name on his uniform said “Police Captain Frank Brianryan”. “I’ve got some good news,” Police Captain Frank Brianryan said to Lee and Carter. “And some bad news,” he added.
“The bad news is that this time both a bomb has exploded in the Chinese consulate and the Chinese consul’s daughter has been kidnapped again. We suspect the Triads.”
Lee and Carter gasped.
“The good news is that you have a new partner who just joined the NYPD and will be working with you on the case.”
Lee and Carter gasped.
“We don’t need another partner!” they said in unison. “We’re already a great team and don’t need someone else in the mix,” they also said in unison.
“Yeah pops… I wouldn’t want to ruin the love fest you got going ha ha.” Lee and Carter spun around to see who had just made fun of them. It was a short but extremely powerful Asian man, who was wearing a police uniform. He looked really good in it. He looked like he would look good in any uniform. The police uniform definitely looked good on him.
“My son! Leon!” shouted Lee. “It’s my son Leon Lee, who I haven’t seen since he went to police academy eight years ago.” Police academy is tough, and lasts ten years, just like how long it takes to become a doctor or get your PhD in something else besides being a doctor. Except Leon Lee had managed to graduate in eight years. It was unheard of, until Leon Lee did it, and now everyone in police academy has heard of it.
“You have a SON?!?” Detective Carter was dumbfounded. “How come I never knew about this!”
“He was at police academy for the last eight years.”
“Oh yeah. Math’s not really my thing. It took me twelve years to graduate from police academy.”
Everyone hugged. “Enough with this lovey-dovey bull crap,” said Police Captain Frank Bryanryan. “I want you go to find me some leads on the case.”
Lee and Carter and Leon left the station. Police Captain Frank Bryanryan watched them leave. He spilled some coffee on his tie. “Damn… the things I put up with.”
The Chinese consulate was swarming with FBI agents and CIA agents. You could tell because they were wearing black suits while Lee and Carter were wearing dark navy suits, and Leon was wearing his police uniform which he looked really good in. “Man, I hate the Feds,” said Carter. “And the CIA, which is different,” said Lee. “Man, I hate anyone in a suit!” said Leon. Lee and Carter gave him a look like “Whaaaat”. “Except you guys, of course.”
“This isn’t part of your jurisdiction,” said an FBI agent. He put his finger up to the telephone cord that connected his ear to something inside his suit. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah, this isn’t part of these guys’ jurisdiction.” He turned to Lee and Carter and Leon. “You’ll have to go. Leave this to the adults.”
Lee and Carter and Leon stood outside the Chinese consulate. “Whatever man!” said Carter. “We all know those guys won’t solve the case in the end! But where do we go from here, because it seems like we’re at that point normally in our cases where we don’t have any leads and don’t know where to go or who to talk to!” They thought for a while. Leon was eating Chinese food out of a takeout box because they had stopped for food on the way there. “Wait a second!” shouted Lee. He pulled out the notebook he had picked up earlier in the police station when the two other bad detectives who got yelled at ran away. He flipped it open. There was one thing written on the page: “the Knicks game.”
“Looks like basketball’s back on the menu, boys!”
The Knicks were playing the Lakers in a game of basketball. The score was 250 to 250. Tie game, with 250 seconds left on the shot clock. The suspense was so thick you could probably use a knife to cut it. Lee and Carter and Leon were sitting courtside, beers in their hands. “Keep an eye out for Triads,” said Lee. Carter shouted “Go Lakers!” because he was from Los Angeles. Leon was rooting for the Knicks, because he was on the NYPD. He pumped his fist and spilled beer on his tie. “Damn… the things I put up with,” he said.
“Look!” shouted Lee. “Up there!” He pointed at the bleachers high above the game. There was a man dressed all in black with a mask covering his face climbing onto the glass box where people paid extra to sit. He had a metal box in his hand that had red lights on it. Lee and Carter and Leon watched as he placed the metal box on top of the glass box and punched some buttons. “It’s a bomb!” shouted Lee. “It’s a bomb!” he shouted again. Inside the glass box there were some people cheering on the Knicks. One of them turned to look at the game and Lee and Carter and Leon gasped – it was the Chinese consul!
Leon ran after the man in black. Lee and Carter followed closely behind. They ran up the bleachers and the man in black saw them, so he started running. A lot of other bad guys started coming out of doors and running out from behind the bleachers. “Time to put your police academy training to work,” said Lee to his son Leon. “Like your martial arts training where they taught you punching and kicking.” They started off fighting bad guys one by one. Lee did a spin kick and then did the move where he jumped in the air and kicked two guys at once. Carter was not as good at fighting but he spun around a Knicks fan and took a kid’s large soda and threw it in the face of a bad guy. This gave him time to release a cart full of basketballs on a bunch of bad guys who tripped and fell in increasingly funny ways. Leon chased after the main bad guy, the man in black, who had jumped from the glass box to the rafters above the stadium.
Leon fought the man in black while jumping from rafter to rafter. It was hard to balance and fight at the same time, and that’s what made it so tough, but he remembered his police academy training and didn’t fall. The man in black didn’t have any police academy training and soon found himself wobbling on one foot right above the basketball court where Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks was about to take a free throw for a foul he took while trying to score the winning dunk. Leon reached out his hand so the man could take his hand.
“Take my hand!”
“I will never take your hand!”
“Who are you?”
The man in black didn’t answer, because he lost his footing and fell off the rafters and directly into the basketball hoop below. The backboard shattered into a thousand pieces of glass and the man died instantly.
Lee and Carter joined Leon on the rafters, and looked down at the dead man. They said in unison: “Looks like he won’t be in Rush Hour 3: Chapter 2”.
Art by Yvonne Martinez.