Brian May writes for the stage. This is what happens when he forgets that the theater has rules & conventions.
GOING VIRAL
MAN
Haha, you won’t believe this, haha.
WOMAN
Believe what? What is it, haha?
MAN
You just won’t, it’s too, it’s just too, haha–
WOMAN
Well TELL me then, haha, at least tell me!
MAN
I can’t; I can’t even–
WOMAN
If you’d tell me then maybe I’d–
MAN
Let me READ IT FIRST and I’ll–
WOMAN
But WHAT, read WHAT, haha.
MAN
One sec, just give me a–
WOMAN
DYING to know! Can’t you see I’m dying to know-oowhoa-oowhoa-oh?
MAN
Need to get THROUGH the damn–
WOMAN
First paragraph. The first sentence even–
MAN
If you’d stop–
WOMAN
Shivering!
MAN
And going on like a–
WOMAN
Puke! Think I’m going to be–
MAN
A child, you’re acting–
WOMAN
Getting SICK!
MAN
Always doing this, it’s–
WOMAN
Just so much you–
MAN
You’d CLOSE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH for once, I’d–
WOMAN
Read it then!
MAN
I’M FUCKING TRYING.
(Scrolls.)
Hahaha.
(Scrolls.)
Awwww!
(Scrolls.)
Hahaha.
(Closes.)
WOMAN
What is it, haha?
MAN
What is what?
-+-+-+-
WRONG NUMBER
MAN
RingRingRing!
CALLER
Brring brrring, yes hi hello, hello who is it?
MAN
Yes hi is this the person, is this the person that–
CALLER
Yes it is!
MAN
Yes is this the person that yes hi, I’m returning your call about the–
CALLER
About the, yes I know, about the, I know, yes.
MAN
Yes, hello?
CALLER
Yes, hi, yes, how much do you owe, now don’t you owe, don’t you owe us?
MAN
See now that’s what I wanted to, that’s what I wanted to, you see–
CALLER
To whom am I speaking?
MAN
See now that’s the thing.
CALLER
Oh?
MAN
See now I don’t have a lot, you see.
CALLER
Oh no, that is no good, no that is no good at all.
MAN
Yes well, yes it’s just that for several, wait one second, can you actually hold?
CALLER
Sure.
MAN
Just one second then.
CALLER
Of course.
MAN
It’ll be just one second.
(One second.)
CALLER
What was that?
MAN
I’m sorry?
CALLER
That noise.
MAN
What noise?
CALLER
That loud, very loud noise.
MAN
What noise?
CALLER
In the background.
MAN
What noise?
CALLER
White noise.
MAN
White noise?
CALLER
Hello?
MAN
Hi yes, I’m so sorry, no, that that musta been, that musta been my cat.
CALLER
Very loud.
MAN
He’s very large.
CALLER
Strange sound.
MAN
Eats so much.
CALLER
You’re sure you’re okay?
MAN
All day eats and eats, yum yum he eats me up.
CALLER
I’m so very sorry.
MAN
Don’t be.
CALLER
What’s his name?
MAN
Cleopatra.
CALLER
I’m sorry?
MAN
Don’t be.
CALLER
To whom am I speaking?
MAN
Cleopatra.
CALLER
Sorry?
MAN
Don’t be.
CALLER
Currrrrrr.
MAN
Hello?
CALLER
Yes, is this the right number?
MAN
No.
CALLER
Damn.
MAN
What number were you trying to reach?
CALLER
5.
MAN
This is 6, fuckface.
CALLER
On my way then!
MAN
Too-da-loo.
CALLER
Sorry to disturb you.
MAN
Don’t be.