The Pauline Kael of GIFs is back! This week, Alex explores canine car racing and the metaphysics of plant growth.
Did you know that cockroaches navigate a maze faster when other cockroaches are watching? I love that the Oh shit, other people feeling is universal down to our tiny enemies. Googling now, I learned the cockroach fact is only true for easy mazes. You might think toy-car racing would be a daunting canine task, but you’ve underestimated dogs. Plus, this race is against humans: they love us a lot—enough to take the race seriously.
We say “watching grass grow” to mean “bored to death.” At this speed, though, it’s amazing; look at them GRASP; what drives the green fuse? (Actually, we know the answer.) I want to ask stoned people about this: might plants be living in a relative temporal molasses, fully cognizant but at a different speed? Let’s say yes. If I were Zen enough, I bet I could watch grass grow. When I am forcibly removed from technology, time passes deliciously slowly. I remember three hours in the desert that felt like days; shocked to find out it wasn’t even noon, I was relieved that my youth wasn’t evaporating as quickly as I thought. That relief was wrong; the desert was five years ago. Time to hit that free meditation class I always see people tweeting about.