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When you are in a house that is swallowed by a wolf the best thing to do is to wrap yourself in a blanket of water and set the house on fire. The fire will then spread to the wolf and the wolf, once covered in fire, will burn right on up and you will walk on out of its charred hull of a skin just fine, and with your dinner prepared, picnic style, at your feet. You will, however, no longer have a house. Also arson is illegal and I think technically this is arson.
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When you are swallowed by a wolf the best thing to do is to unzip the wolf from the inside, ideally by the mouth because when you unzip a wolf by the mouth you take with you its jawbone, leaving its mouth just flapping there like a mud flap or a doggy door or some other inefficient means of consumption that drags along the dirt like a bottom-feeder or a busted up dump truck rusting. It is, it should be noted, difficult to find the zipper near the mouth of a wolf from inside the wolf’s stomach in the dark.
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When you are swallowed by a wolf all you can do is take out your axe and hack it to pieces from the inside out and use its bones to build yourself something useful, like a house, or a canoe, or a three piece suit, or a veranda, or a job, or a lake with a gazebo, or a world series championship like you always dreamed of. The thing about dreams is that we don’t talk about dreams. We write them down on slips of paper and pass them, face down, to the fireworks operator, who spells them out electric across the night sky.
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In case of being swallowed by a wolf, always bring a good book and a pillow and a blanket. Nothing in this world lasts forever. Certainly not wolves.
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The best way to walk on out of a wolf’s stomach involves you walking right out of your own skin. The thing about how your skin smells is that how your skin smells just drive wolves wild for swallowing a person whole, and so without your skin then they would not follow you or swallow you or tear your flesh from your face as you think of that smile she had. With this method, you would live out your days free of the fear of being swallowed or torn apart by a wolf. Additionally: when everyone is swallowed by a wolf, sometimes the wolf thinks hard about if being swallowed is a thing they would like to have happen to them, and sometimes they go and they cower in tree-holes and they decide not to ever swallow a person ever again. Other times you just walk around like that without your skin like that and it just smells bad like that and there is no way out but at least everyone is suffering with you.
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If you are the sort of person who gets swallowed by a wolf I would keep on my person at all times a wolf whistle and, whenever swallowed by a wolf, I would blow that wolf whistle. The wolf whistle will summon all summonable wolves in the tri-county area, who will then proceed to smell you and your skin inside of the wolf that swallowed you up, and then one of two things will happen: either the wolves will, one after another, swallow each other up until there is just one swole up wolf shaped like a house and trying, yet failing, to moan (and listen: you don’t really get to win in this scenario, but neither does anyone else) OR the whistled wolves will tear at your wolf’s stomach with an inexhaustible fucking hunger and ferocity, opening up a hole from which you will make your exit, sneaking over to the shotgun tree, where shotguns grow like leaves, and the morality of mass-slaughter resting right in your hands.
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Keep a mirror on you at all times. If you are swallowed by a wolf you can reflect the light from the back of its eyes to look around for the exit, which is bound to be somewhere. On the other hand, if you reflect too much light, you could start a fire, and without a house equipped with running water, the only thing you can wrap yourself in is more fire, and then you would burn alive, and so then you would both end up dead.
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If you find yourself swallowed by a wolf that is already dead the best thing to do is to tell the wolf that it is dead and should learn how to stay that way. After attempting this, begin writing yourself a letter detailing the things you have done to try to promote happiness in the world, first in yourself, and then in everyone and everything you have ever come into contact with. Nevermind what this has to do with wolves. Life is for being lived, regardless of wolves. When you finish the letter, punch a hole in the dead wolf’s stomach and step on out of that dead wolf then wrap it up in a sheet and hang it from a tree and hammer a note into its bones that this is what happens when dead wolves forget that they are dead.
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What if you woke up, in the skin of a wolf, and then there you are, a wolf, with a nose full of skin smell and a mouth opening of its own accord, now biting, bleeding, all over everything, and then you’re not a wolf, you’re a man, you’re on the ground, you’re screaming for someone to save you as you are lifted and dragged and driven to a room full of screaming emergencies. But so what if the nurse in the emergency room is not so much a beacon of salvation, but a reason to keep breathing? To say hey listen, once my internal organs stop bleeding, how about you and I limp on down to the drive-in and make out for hours? And what if she said Oh honey there hasn’t been a drive-in in this town for years, and then you, in a rampant and misguided attempt at bravery, place your mouth over hers, and, for once in your life, breathe as one, with the blood rushing to your cock, the same blood that is spilling out all over the floor, and you spill, like that, all over everything, clinging to this idea of life with every bit you have, your eyes narrowing, your mouth widening, your teeth sharpening themselves on that hunger, on that promise, of the drive-in, of its absence, of life, of the ass of the nurse or the windows of the soul, something, anything, to guide your hand to that heart in your chest, and squeeze just a bit more life out of it.
Pic courtesy of Low Bros.